i'm that wretched sinner.....

The pool glistened as it waved little peaks under the wind which was blowing, yesterday. And inside my head words tossed, peaking one thought, to only peak another until I felt like a cluttering mess.

When the head is full of words, how do you pick just one? But I try.

And I've been riddled with visions and this is the one I've had in my head this week....the sinner beating their breast saying "Woe, is me!", a person of unclean lips, undone by their condition as a transgressor.

And that is me, the transgressor beating out an "I'm undone!"

There is this mercy and grace as we grow spiritually, we recognize how much we need to grow even more, how we are unable to perfect ourselves and how we are utterly hopeless, in flesh. And in knowing our true condition, we're set free.

Free from works, free from being better than I was yesterday, free from trying to hold it all together, free from others seeing me trip up and fall, because we are all undone.

And if I fail you, I say, "Yes! I'm a failure. Didn't you know, I'm only flesh and blood. I'm not the Savior?" And if I disappoint, I say "Of course! I have this selfish nature, did you not know I'm totally imperfect? Give me time and I will certainly disappoint you." And if I sin something terrible, I say "Is this not what I was delivered from? And yet I do things I don't want to do and things I want to do, these things I don't do!" (from the Apostle Paul)

I'm not the worker who's to bring the good in me. I don't have any sustaining ability to make flesh walk the line. I can't nail myself to the cross. All I can do is lie down and let Him do the rest. Even in dying, I want to "help" and nail myself there, but even this I cannot do. I just lay down and let Him live and He puts to death and raises up, again and again. 

Not me.

It's when I think I'm a good Christian when I'm really at my worst. When I see my deliverance and judge the next person for being were I used to be, do I become pious. When I look at scripture as a tool to justify actions, do I become a Pharisee. When I reflect at how debased and debauch I was at one time, do I become proud of how I'm not anymore.

It's when I think I'm one of the good Christians, that I become bad like a spoiled fruit on the vine.

"Woe is me! Chief of sinners."  This is growth: to know we are still capable of all the debauchery of the world, not one sin is measured in degrees, but in length. And we all fall short.

When I think I've arrived to a certain level of Christianity do I risk injury from a fall from pride.

And I'm glad for this "Woe!" because we are all on the same playing field, no yards are long enough, no amount of touchdowns make the score, no player is Christian enough to save ourselves, let alone a team. We all fall short.

While sitting by the pool I had my 1,400 plus pages of a book when I happened to open it up to a chapter which spoke my heart, titled "Alas! I Can Do Nothing!".

And right then, I wanted to be in a quiet corner and soak in these words, but I tried to read them in the midst of noisy engines revving by our poolside retreat and kids playing, splashing little drops on the pages.

My highlighter pulled for the ready to find passages which echoed my condition. The pages now a bit crinkled. Drops of water which bled yellow circles where they landed on highlighted passages, all dry now.

The scripture "When we were yet without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly" (Rom 5:6 KJV) referenced throughout the whole chapter and then this:

"There it stands: 'In due time Christ died for the ungodly.' fix your mind on that and rest there. Let this one great, gracious, glorious fact lie in your spirit till it perfumes all your thoughts and makes you rejoice even though you are without strength, seeing the Lord Jesus has become your strength and your song, yea, He has become your salvation....He did not come to save us because we were worth the saving, but because we were utterly worthless, ruined, and undone.....Let this text lie under you tongue like a sweet morsel till it dissolves into your heart and flavors all your thoughts: and then it will little matter though those thought should be as scattered as autumn leaves." Charles Spurgeon "Alas! I Can Do Nothing!" from the book-- "The Essential Works of Charles Spurgeon"

And I also reflected: "When the king heard the words of the Book of the Law, he tore his robes." 2 Kings 22:11 (NIV)

He tore his robes over a nation's transgression. Without the Book, they'd lived as the generation before them and so it was when the Book arrived like a flash of Light, only then did the king know the depth of transgression.

And how many times has His words undone me? How I've torn my fleshly robes for grieve and rend-ed my heart to Him?

I'm like the sinner beating his chest saying "I'm a wretched sinner!" but not stopping there. Not staying in sin's groveling grasp, not sinking into the muddy mire of condemnation, not beating myself up with scripture, not pointing out my flaws for some self-help remedy, but looking to the only place my Help comes.

And I'm set free from my own good works. Because truly they are like a fickle wafer which easily separates and parts as crumbling bread, becoming dry scraps.

It's gladly and freely admitting, "Yes, it's me you want. I'm the criminal, the despondent who wronged you, the traitor, the one who needs correction, the one who deserves bars. Yes, that's me. I repent!"

It's when we admit our true condition do we know how many sins we've been forgiven. Even those "good" things we thought we'd done, those pride ones. When we see our true condition, the depth of our own debauchery do we really know how to love much.

Recognizing the many ways we fail, allows for Grace to invade and there Love increases. Knowing the depth of our darkness only means a Light has shone into the abyss and we now see it. And so it is, we lay down and let His work begin and become the fertile soil, where Grace plants a harvest for Love to grow.

"'Therefore I say to you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven, for she loved much. But to whom little is forgiven, the same loves little.'” Luke 7:47

At E.E.'s:

 

Over at Ann's.....



And at Em's.....

If you're recognizing your wretched state, rejoice! We are in the same boat, hallelujah!

 Now you are ripe fruit to lay your life down at His feet.....and rest. :)