The Way Up From the Pit

It's what nibbled the edges of my thoughts and I found the next interstate exit and turned the car around because I couldn't see through tears. And I wondered if the obvious was obvious to passers-by zipping past and if they knew my constant hand-to-face motion was for dabbing eyes.

Ever since my prodigal return, you'd think I'd be used to it by now. But I'm not. After years of a hard, protective shell I now live with this tenderized heart which produces inconvenient tears and a store errand was canceled in mid-stride by them. And I'm haunted.

By failure.

It wasn't a notion my first time at parenting over 21 years ago but now in my second and third go round, failure knocks. And yesterday, it stood at my door all day.

And I know this one which appears as failure when peered through flesh and I need Holy goggles to plunge beyond murky waters to see with Eyes beyond life's glass.

Fear isn't always of the unknown, but many times of the known, of past experience, of present situations, of knowing how different things really are versus how they were planned to be.

And I'm in the pit.

A weepy yesterday of feeling like parent-failure can make it's haunt as I think of how it is my kids who don't sit still, or speak in whispers, or treat friends with compassion and grace, or share with others, or respect boundaries and for goodness sake, quit squirming already. The list could grow and fear and failure grow with it. And nobody placed me here other than my own fear pushing me over.

And I was a mess of hot tears and messy heart, dissecting and wrestling between flesh and Truth. I'm still not there but I have been here before. The fall out of past sins and knowing the ruins it leaves over years, even though far removed from them and how it looks like an ugly bush but knowing He turns all things to the good of them who love Him.

And there it is.

All I have at the bottom of miry clay.

Love.

Reaching down to pull me out, no matter how I've let my fear push me in, how I've allowed my pit to swallow me up, how I remind myself I need constant change and help with parenting and how I feel to weak to be good at it.

There it is. Him.

And all my heart. All my soul. All my mind. And all my meager strength presses into Love for it's the only sure thing.

I don't have a step number three or even a numbered two for coming out of fear's failure, I just keep coming back to one. I'm sure it leads to more, outside the pit, but here in the bottom there is only one rope up and the rope has a label and requires my sweaty grip and it's labeled Love.

The holy habit of forsaking my fears for the abode of His dwelling place, casting off my torment and allowing imperfection to be perfected by Love.

And today, I'm a rope climber being perfected.

"..God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him....There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love." John 4:16 and 18 

 I also shared this at Elizabeth Esther's "Saturday Evening Post", click over for more and leave yours.

I shared this at Ann's place for more Holy Habits on "Walk with Him" Wednesday, click over for more reads.

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Ps. I have some dear grace disciples who help me carry the load and I'm so very grateful for them. Blessed to know I can be a mess with them.