Am I Enough--{to homeschool}

"Now he who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will also supply and increase your store of seed and will enlarge the harvest of your righteousness." 2 Corinthians 9:10

Deep down there's that part of me that only wants to enlarge the hearts of my children. My most noble cause is to plant the seeds of the Supplier to their spirit. But there's the shallow me. The part that wants them to just be good, to do good, to look good, to make me feel good. There are times when things are more important than the person I want them for.

After our oldest struggled in his transition from a small private school to public school causing us to consider homeschooling options, my biggest concern and question was "Am I enough?" The desire was there. I just didn't know if I was capable to do it. Was I disciplined enough? Could I teach him enough? Would he be 'socialized' enough? Would I be structured enough? Could I just do enough? I wasn't sure if I was enough. How many times do we stop ourselves because we don't think we are enough?

Two years ago we brought him home to homeschool. I haven't regretted it. All my fears of failure and of not measuring up to society's scholastic standards, all my not-enoughs paled in comparison to the joy of watching him and his brother grow.

Now as the days seem to evaporate, I see it in their face, their walk, in their maturity. Our boys are becoming young men. Not only is their stature measuring almost to the heights of Mommy-me but they're personalities, each unique, are developing and growing too.

This question flies back at me as the years slip on and I realize my time is rapidly fading in these rearing years. Being Mom and teacher is a daunting task, at times a tiresome task and a privileged honor all rolled into one parenting meld. Again, am I enough? Patient enough?  My tone soft enough? Have I balanced discipline and grace enough? Spent time enough ? Have I done enough?

"Moses said to the LORD, "You have been telling me, 'Lead these people,' but you have not let me know whom you will send with me. You have said, 'I know you by name and you have found favor with me.' If you are pleased with me, teach me your ways so I may know you and continue to find favor with you." Exodus 33:12 and 13

This parenting series on "Walk With Him Wednesday"s continues to highlight for me the importance of learning the one who Teaches.  Of all the worldly stuff that competes for our children's hearts, nurturing their hearts for that Teacher is of greatest value.

No matter the schooling (private, public, or homeschooled), as parents we are teaching. Trying not to get lost in all the outward things of academics, friendships, obedience, athletic prowess, and comparing kids (or ourselves) to national standards, we attempt to balance hearts and minds in our parental teaching.

In all our ways of feeding those minds with knowledge, the highest scholastic learning is in their spirits. Allowing the Teacher to teach us, allows us to teach them and His tutelage is more than enough.


"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment.'" Matthew 22:37 and 38


 
Join "Walk With Him Wednesday" at Ann's place and share your parenting practice or lesson.

"Peace, peace! When there is no peace."

Jeremiah 8:11

Even though we aren't there yet, why does it feel near? Why do I sense a shift, a turning away? It seems simple enough and far off but yet it's followed me.

I've been haunted by ancient words of long ago scriptures. They've nibbled 'round the edges of my daily doing and gnawed at these fingers that write into oblivion, so blogland seems. I've chewed the words in my delay to share them. My hope being to never share them. Like gall they've went down to my innermost parts and I've harbored them there. They were these:

"Behold, the day of the LORD is coming, and your spoil will be divided in your midst. For I will gather all the nations to battle against Jerusalem.." Zechariah 14:1 and 2


In my quiet time, I've been all over the proverbial scripture map. From Acts to Timothy to Zechariah, Jeremiah and many places in between. I've scoured the news for the sign that would link this scripture to something, anything, so I'd have an excuse to write about it.  Nothing came from my searching. Just alot of clamoring and this scripture.

I want to believe it's far off--to hear "peace, peace!" But I don't know if there is peace. Have we been so desensitized to all the fire and brimstones of the past that we don't think it can happen in our lifetime, our kid's lifetime in a century's time?

How many times have people in the past felt: This is the end. Here it is. World War I or World War II? The Cuban crisis of the 60s? The revolution of the latter 60's in it's moral decline?

But even in World War II not all nations turned against Israel or Jews. And true they've not all turned today, not yet. Even though cold war days lurked with subtle threats in shadows, the moral climate hadn't yet slid into the shadows of political correctness or hate speech. Churches though flawed by human institution still stood for truth. Until their 501(c)s become in jeopardy, or their big tithers steer sermons, or leaders just plain want to love the world so much they'd just throw sin in and love it too as is today. Some have slid down this slippery rope. There's a great divide in the church that seems to crack ever wider.

This isn't a stock-up-on-canned-goods and build-underground-shelters post. Personally, I'm not there. This is just observation. At the moral climate, er decline, of today and at technology surpassing anything we've ever known or medical discoveries more far-reaching than before and with space traveling capabilities and especially amassing copious amounts of knowledge, I ask how long?

"Even the stork in the heavens knows her appointed times; and the turtledove, the swift, and the swallow observe the time of their coming. But My people do not know the judgment of the LORD." Jeremiah 8:7

How long can we continue at this rate before we crash and burn? How long before too much really is too much? How long before we decide Israel is just a pain in the neck, a thorn to the world, and we all turn against her? Because it's there--like a tight rope ready to snap. And there it is--when all turn away that the end will begin.

"For I will gather all the nations to battle against Jerusalem; the city shall be taken, the houses rifled, and the women ravished. Half of the city shall go into captivity, but the remnant of the people shall not be cut off from the city. Then the LORD will go forth and fight against those nations, as He fights in the day of battle." Zechariah 14:2-3

The Two Lights--True Light

On the one side is eve's shadows inking their way to night while the other side is daylight glowing in western skies. Day's finger of blinding light dazzles behind stark limbs and night's white moon hangs in the waiting. Moon and sun shared sky today.

As the sun turns away from this earthlen globe, we've not been left in total darkness. Even in blackened sky, not all is black when there is light. So it is. Intentional. Light provided in stars and moon cast a fainter glow. The night twinkles under stars on clear nights and the moon like a beacon when it's in a full state of roundness. Lights in the firmament of the heavens were created to give us seasons, years, days. Today. And it was especially created to "give light on the earth." Gen 1:14-15.

And it was so.

Though the moon phases between shapes of crescent, full or darkened by 'new' moon phase, stars still shine. Though clouds try to snuff out dark's light, we still may see a glimpse. Though our indoor view gives us darkened windows, there's still a light that shines on the other side. Though day's bright has moved half-way 'round, there's a light to remind He's always 'round. Because no matter how dark night is, He provided light.

And no matter how black your charred life looks, no matter how dark your days seem, no matter how lost in the night you may feel....He provided a Light for that too.

Then Jesus spoke to them again, saying, “I am the light of the world. He who follows Me shall not walk in darkness, but have the light of life.” John 8:12

 "Then God made two great lights: the greater light to rule the day and the lesser light to rule the night. He made the stars also. God set them in the firmament of the heavens to give light on the earth, and to rule over the day and over the night, and to divide the light from darkness. And God saw that it was good." Genesis 1:16-18


This Tuesday I'm unwrapping the moon. For more unwrappings visit Emily's place "Chatting At The Sky" or drop by there and leave your unwrapped post to share with others.

Rhythmic Parenting--Finding & Keeping Pace

I've been absent in the overwhelming responsibility of juggling life and homeschooling. My cluttered brain hasn't given room for me to write. Until now. Clamoring for attention have been: a mind swimming among a sea-of-homeschooling books, all the when-we'll-do-this-n-thats, and how to fit all in a day don't-panic-stay-calm kind of beginnings. August began and slipped in a little anxiety.

Many nights have been fitfuls of sleep where wrestling with sheets and covers was all the reward I had in the dawning light of morning. Hubby suggested stress or worry and at first I was an adamant "No way!"

But I had to be honest with myself.  A pause and a look to survey the inventory stocked inside required putting aside busy prestense in favor of assessing the situation.

We've been retreating from the elements. Inside walls and roof and planning daily rhythms, the overbearing sun has cooked the ground outside our door. One step out there and the air's heat is thick. It can make it hard to breathe. The weight of summer felt in every degree above 100. Even cows have been seeking out the shelter of shade. Clusters of them congregate under lone trees scattered throughout pastures.

Even brothers clamor for shade. Sibling closeness drawn behind closed doors also causes a raw rubbing of eachother. Irritation builds on the inside as the heat builds on the outside.  August draws Fall close and Summer's loose routines are soon to fall in the coming season. Finding my pace has caused me to gather inside and weather the elements of change. The subsiding Summer day's being replaced with more rhythmic Fall ones has rubbed me raw.

This year is the start of a new curriculum. New in everything which means learning a whole other way of doing school. An enormous book collection also tags along with it. Much to read, to plan, to filter, to fit it all in a year.

Then a local Bible Study group starts soon and continues thru the school year. One day a week, a little homework and me finding some blank space for it. There's also the taking care of me which means fitting the gym in 3 days a week. A new gym with new schedules.

The stifling pressure of sorting many beginnings into a tempo that harmonizes with the family is only temporary. I know. I'm trying to remember that now. Homeschooling is an awesome responsibility but not an easy one. 

In these hot August days, we look for shade. A cow knows when to cover and rest. It knows there is a time to graze, a time to water, a time to seek the shade and time to move onward.

I encourage us as parents to know when to rest and when to move onward. Our brain swirls with all the lists and things-to-do until we are paralyzed with procrastination. Failure breathing down our necks at the onset of "Go!".  Breathe. Deeply take in that precious oxygen and find some cover. It's only temporary. The season will change, the tempo will moderate and the cooling of anxiety will fall with its passing. The heat from elements glare may beat down on us, but rest assured, we're always invited to rest in the shelter of His shade.

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty." Psalm 91:1 (NIV)

This Wednesday's "Walk With Him" I'm learning the practice of pacing my parenting. The delicate juggle of pacing our journey as parents is not only a learned one, but a practiced one.

A Storm In Faith Seasons

"Then the LORD will appear over them, and His arrow will fly like lightning. The Lord GOD will sound the trumpet and advance with the southern storms." Zechariah 9:14 (Holman Christian Standard)

Not many months back, rain poured out here. Too much we thought. Our muddy instruments were stored away for lack of any solid ground. Tractors, hay cutters, hay balers and such, heavier than the soggy soil could support. And it continued as our rivers overflowed and our farms oozed wetness.

Until Summer came and baked those same meadows and the ground cracked under sun's heated rays. Hay and grass stunted. The hottest of Summer reminding me of desert places. Unlike the cold dark times of winter, Summer holds us under bright glares and we shrivel with it's dryness.

Then yesterday came and so did His rain. I sensed a cleansing which refreshes in the storm. A newness, a something special that made me want to remain between sleep and groggy wakefulness. I wanted to savor the moment. Feel the droplets of dew left by His raining Word and from rolling storms outside.

I've wondered about our faithful seasons of change. The growth which comes by faith changed in seasons.

I don't always welcome His glaring light or heat that scorches my souly places. But this is a place of chaffing away. My learning continues.

We need to dry and crack under the Son so His rain can run into the splayed open veins of our dirt. A rain that reigns in Truth. In the drought-riddled Summers of faith are we able to deeply drink His living water and allow it to penetrate every parched pore. We welcome the quenching. Look for it. Even crave it. And as heavenly clouds connect with Earth by rain, His raining word connects us to Him. Out here in Summered faith, we are open ground ready for the drinking. Our soiled souls a sponge to be filled by any who thirst after Him.

Jesus says: "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be filled." Mathew 5:6 (NKJ)

This Tuesday I'm unwrapping rain. For more unwrappings visit Emily's at "Chatting At the Sky".

I've also linked this up at Elizabeth Esther's place for the Saturday Evening Post. Join the journey by adding one of your August posts to share with us.

Saturday Evening Post--Link Up

Excerpt of my post:

"The thing of speaking is also one that cripples. Limping in shadows of rejection and holding us back until we no longer are able to quiet them.


The thing with rejection is that egos fall. Like mine. And I let it. This ego that gets in way of humble. That wants to have rights. That wants to be right. Rejection allows me to be lowered and seek the Feet. To search self and search Light. And I come to Him who holds the fire in my bones. The words I grow weary of holding back...." To read the rest, click here.
 
 
It's the Saturday Evening Post over at Elizabeth Esther's, so join in and share a post from July. I'm inserting "My Ego Loves Me--It's Not Mutual" from my July lumps because me/we homo-sapiens wrestle that thing in our Jesus-walk. Who am I kidding? We wrestle it. Period. So link up some of your own July love and share with us.

When I Listen In His Silence

Though I may come to Him

in the quiet times of day

there are times He is quiet.

Waiting. Days or months,

Waiting.

And I thirsting and parched

for a drop, any drop

of living Word to quench me.

Dry I come

in desert times

circling, hoping, looking

for something
to steady me and nourish me
to strengthen me
 to carry on.
Silence deafens my noisy soul
and my ear leans into His Spirit
listening for a beat
of Life, of hope

of feet walking with me.

Then He breaks

silence

and speaks

and reaches and caresses

His word over me.

For in the absence

He wasn't. Only quiet

but there. And I

needing more. No, I wanting more.

My want being

Him and Him speaking but He sees

need.

It causes me to search and grow deep

my roots planted under a Cross

so I stretch to

Son

even when I don't

feel warmth.

There I listen to my leaning

and pressing and His quiet

'til He breaks

me

in silence.

I needing the breaking and so I let Him

and He lets me.

A broken vessel I am

straining to listen, hear, do,

love strong
Him who holds
my pieces

in His Hand.

This Wednesday, I'm learning the value of silence. He is there even if I don't feel His nearness. And  listening, straining to hear through dry times causes me cling to the very hem of Him. For more walks visit Ann's place at "Holy Experience".

The Bride of a Redeemer--RUTH

Ruth was loyal and yet...

Tucked behind the brides of Benjamin in Judges is her condensed life of four chapters. A book seemingly overshadowed by the great prophet Samuel who walked with a man after God's own heart--King David.

From death, Ruth and Noami returned to Noami's land and God. After both lost their husbands, daughter-in-law Ruth follows her to the place of Bethlehem. Where one day, God's Son is born.

In poverty of spirit and material possessions, they arrived. Ruth becoming a slave to the fields for food. They scraped. They clung. To every grain gathered out of the fields. They clung. To each other and to God.

Harvest not only brought food but also a near kinsman, a family redeemer. Leviticus allowed a near kinsman who was able to restore a family's land (or heritage by marriage of a family widow) that was lost by debt, death, or other means. A near kinsman could buy back the land and/or marry the widow, thus redeem it. Sometimes called a kinsman redeemer. Boaz was that man.

There was one who was a nearer kinsman than Boaz but he forfeited his rights at the town gates. And without delay Boaz binded and redeemed all those rights before leaving those gates.

A few sentences later Boaz freely marries Ruth. And in paragraph time, a son is born.

Obed. He birthed a new beginning from a union of redemption. From a desolate ending in death and poverty rose a new generation. And from this also came the lineage of David on down to the Son, Jesus.

In the brevity of Ruth is an amazing legacy.

Born in the flesh, HE became man. Unlike any other man but a near kinsman. A God-man who redeems. The paid price we know at the cross. Our own state of poverty needing rescue. From death and depths and loss comes Life . And a legacy. For you.
 
Lived more fully than lines on a page are the days, hours, minutes. Each one a given gift to seek His cloak that covers our darkly state, black as midnight sky. There is a near Kinsman who comes to redeem you. He waits at the gates of your heart. Where intimacy gives birth to restoration and you a Bride of the Redeemer.


"'Blessed be the LORD, which hath not left thee this day without a kinsman, that his name may be famous in Israel. And he shall be unto thee a restorer of thy life...'" Ruth 4:14 and 15 (KJV)

"So Boaz took Ruth and she became his wife; and when he went in to her, the LORD gave her conception, and she bore a son." Ruth 4:13 (NKJV) (intimacy conceived new life)


"At midnight, Boaz was startled, turned over, and there lying at his feet was a woman! So he asked, 'Who are you?', "I am Ruth, your slave," she replied. "Spread your cloak over me, for you are a family redeemer." (Ruth 3:8 and 9 Holman Christian Standard Bible)



This Tuesday, I'm unwrapping the jewels of Ruth. Maybe you've seen them all along. After reading and meditating here, my heart was opened by His Spirit of revelation, even if my mind already knew parts of this. A gift He cemented to that beating spot of mine. May you also feel His heart in Ruth. For more unwrappings visit Emily at "Chatting At The Sky".